The Ultimate Testing Machine

It’s Sunday afternoon, 1:30 PM, and you're watching your favorite Fantasy Football team quarterback rack up touchdown after touchdown against an unworthy opponent. You are at this time e-mailing and Tweeting all your friends about how well your Fantasy Football team is doing. You are one happy camper on this Sunday afternoon.

And then you hear the following: “Bill, will you come here for a minute?” If you are a neophyte, then you don’t respond at first, feigning you’re out of voice range, and then you hear it again. “Bill, can you come here for a minute?” Now this is not a mating call from your wife. This is the ultimate test, a test that can only be construed as embedded instructions somewhere in female DNA and passed down through tens of thousands of years without any modification. You're being tested. And the female is the ultimate testing machine.

It’s a binary test. You either pass or fail. If you respond, “Honey, what do you want?” you fail. There are no multiple chances here – you failed. If she wanted to tell you what she wanted, she would have told you, but she didn’t. And she’s not about to now. Her only response will be the same one again. “Bill, can you come here for a minute?” By this time, by the way, you have failed. You need to pass this test. You need to get an “A.” And Mr. Webtalkwithbob is here to tell you how to get that “A.”

You need to recognize that this particular DNA chromosome that females have knows that you are in the ultimate enjoyment zone with your Fantasy Football team – they know this. They don’t understand Fantasy Football, but they know that you are in the ultimate enjoyment zone. And it’s for this that their DNA calls for interruption – interruption without discussion. If you ever want to sit down and enjoy your Fantasy Football team again, then you must respond with, “Honey, where are you? I’ll be there right now.” Further, you must respond by getting up and immediately going to wherever she is. This is only Phase 1 of the test.

Phase 2 is when you get there. Undoubtedly, she’ll be asking you to do something such as, “See that large bug on the floor. Can you pick that bug up and put it in the toilet?” or “Can you help me get down that light bulb?” But here’s phase 2 of the test. It will be something that she could have easily done herself. And you must respond accordingly. You cannot respond such as why didn’t you do it yourself or couldn’t that have waited for another two hours? Because remember it’s a test. It’s not a test of logic. It’s a test of love. It’s an emotional test. It’s binary as I’ve said before – you pass or you fail.

Now you pass Phase 1 by simply getting up quickly and running in the other room. By the way, this will save a lot of time. Chance are, you can get to the other room and do what she wants in only a minute or two, and get back to your football game. But if you engage in competitive dialogue, you will now be several hours away from watching your favorite quarterback again.

When you get to Phase 2, whether it’s a bug, a light bulb, folding a box, or putting your finger in a bow so she can tie a ribbon, do it immediately without question. Now – and here’s the ultimate part of the test – the ultimate DNA test – but it’s an opportunity for you to not only pass the test but get bonus points. As soon as you have done whatever trivial thing she wanted you to do, you ask her immediately, “What else can I do for you?” This will catch her completely off guard, and she’ll probably say “nothing,” or she’ll say, “I’ll think about it.” Then you say, “I’m watching my Fantasy Football team. It’ll be through in a while. I’ll do whatever you want at that time.” She’ll be very agreeable. Now, because you’ve passed Phase 1 and Phase 2, you’ve gotten bonus points, and with any luck, within five minutes of picking up that bug or fixing that light bulb, you're back watching your Fantasy Football team on Sunday afternoon.

And by the way, your Sunday evening will be looking pretty good too.